I think it’s probably clear by now but just in case I haven’t made it obvious (I definitely have) – I love the natural world.
And you should too, because it’s very, very interesting. Fish that sing, birds that tap dance and ants that make best friends with aphids… it’s all very lovely. Well at least that’s what everyone wants you to think.
I’m sorry to tell you that it’s not all the sunshine and rainbows and unicorns galloping into perfect sunsets that some people would have you believe. When you delve a little deeper the natural world is actually an extremely weird and terrifying place.
There are moths that poke birds in the eye until they cry, birds that drink the blood of their fellow feathery friends (I say friends, but that’s really no way to treat a pal) and plants that eat meat. And when you remember that in a completely baffling act of sadism, God created flying snakes and 6m long crocodiles, it’s a wonder we ever leave the safety of our homes.
And I’m afraid it doesn’t stop there. Apparently we must have done something to upset God during the creation, because where creepy animals are concerned, he really did out-do himself.
As it’s Halloween weekend, I thought I’d warn you about some of the real natural horrors that are lurking around the globe (that and if I’m writing my blog, I look too busy for my sister to force me to watch a scary film that will cause me to cry in my sleep and keep my feet firmly tucked inside the covers for the next 2 weeks).
What Lies Beneath
You’ll really, really wish I hadn’t told you.
I’ve read a lot about deep sea creatures recently. None of it good. And I’m 100% sure that I will never set foot in the ocean again. We only discovered these horrifying ecosystems quite recently and I really wish we’d just left them well alone. They are without a doubt the inspiration for all of the horror films you’ve ever seen and the reason you’re scared of the dark. And if they aren’t, they should be.
Gulper Eels
I cannot tell you enough how much I hate eels. I can only imagine their sole purpose to exist is to terrify anyone who decides to swim outside. In a very uncharacteristic moment of bravery, I once put on my bikini and jumped straight into a glacial lake in New Zealand – full to the brim with eels. Massive, massive eels. I didn’t hang around long. In fact, I climbed/sprinted/cried up the side of the jetty at a speed that can only be reached during sheer fear-fuelled panic. Speed that I’m 100% sure I’d never be able to recreate. I still shiver thinking about them. Little did I know that the eels I came face-to-face with were teddy bears compared to the Gulper Eels.
Question: How do you make something already terrifying, reduce grown men to tears even more quickly?
The answers is, of course, make them man-size and give them an ENORMOUS mouth. And when I say enormous, I mean really enormous.
Lurking 3000m below the surface of the ocean, are Gulper Eels. Two metre long eels with mouths that make up a quarter of their body length. Think eel with a pelican’s mouth. This gigantic mouth is also loosely hinged so they can open it wide enough to swallow animals much larger than themselves (RUN!) They also have their own nifty little flashlight – the end of their tail is tipped with a photophore (a light-producing organ) which glows pink! These animals are found so deep below the surface that we know very little about them, but scientists think they use this light to lure prey towards them (you can’t exactly move quickly through water with an absolutely massive head.)
Don’t worry too much, despite its oversized mouth, we think they mainly eat small crustaceans – they have teeny tiny teeth which make chewing larger prey a bit tricky. So you’d probably be safe. If you ever happen to find yourself 3000m beneath the waves.
But, if you do venture that far (I wouldn’t recommend it. You’d die in a less than pleasant way), Gulper Eels will really be the least of your worries. Enter, the Giant Squid.
When I was younger I thought these just existed in a very different and very terrifying Disney film that I can’t remember the name of and definitely never want to watch again. But I’m really sorry to tell you that these are in fact very much a reality. A really, really big one.
If I stood on the shoulders of my parents, my step parents, my brother and my sister and held my cat Holly up above my head like the opening scene of the Lion King, we’d still be shorter than a Giant Squid.
They can grow up to 13 metres long. (Coincidentally, 13m is also the depth of swimming pool you could fill with the tears I produced after googling images of them.)
Some people think they eat whales. WHALES?! I think that’s all I need to say.
Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandad Is A Bit Scary
I often wonder why there are so many animals that look like eels and snakes. I can only presume that whoever created them isn’t actually a very nice person.
But this next animal has made me realise that you can actually make that thin, slimy body even more terrifying by attaching a face that makes the stomach scene in Alien quite romantic. Also, known as the Hagfish. They really are gross. But what makes these creatures even worse is we have them to thank for our existence. Yes. That’s right. If these monsters hadn’t stuck around for 300 million years we might not actually be here.
They were among the first animals to evolve a backbone. So without them, backbones might not have actually evolved and you’d be pretty uncomfortable without yours.
So we should really thank these horrors. But I’m afraid I can’t even bring myself to look at one.
And guess what. Hagfish live in water too. So I think we’ve all learnt a very important lesson here. For the love of God, stay on dry land where it’s safe. Although, saying that, there’s other things to run from out of the ocean too. But I’ll talk about that next time.
For now, I’ll leave you with one last thing. Just google ‘Goblin Shark.’ And then throw your laptop/phone/computer out of the window, cancel your Wifi and stay 100 miles from the sea at all times so you never, ever have to look at one again.
Guess what I know? 